Thursday, January 22, 2015

What's in a Dream

So I had this dream last night.  Super random, as all dreams are.  There was one person I know in real life that was in it (or 3 if you count my dogs, lol).  The first thing I remember is that we were in this old, historic building.  I got the sense that we were supposed to have done work to this building rehabbing it or something, I'm not sure exactly.  There were a lot of people there and they were all involved in this project that we had finished.

I remember walking through the various rooms with people milling about and it was extremely nice.  Imagine chandeliers, beautiful tile work, great wood floors, huge windows just a beautiful old building.  Well, I was talking to this person that I happen to know "in real life".  We were wrapping up this project.  In the dream, I knew that I wasn't supposed to be interested in this person.

You see, in real life we work together.  He doesn't report to me, but he's in my department and reports to another person in my department that's in the same role as me.  So technically he could be shifted to me at any time and I'm pretty sure company policy wouldn't allow us to date.  I hadn't really thought about it, but recently a good friend, who's in the same role as this guy, has decided to mention that he thinks we should date.  He says it to me all the time, gives me the side eye if he sees us talking, it's non-stop, lol.  I don't know if he's said anything similar to the guy or if it's just to me that he's said/done this stuff.  I've told him to let it go, it's not an option, but he's not one to let things go, so it continues and I just laugh it off.

That said, all these constant reminders from him are making it hard for me to 100% keep this guy in the "work only" box.  Truth be told, he's totally someone I would date, were circumstances different.  I find him incredibly funny, which is HUGE in my book.  He's smart, works hard, age appropriate, all that jazz.  However, the work situation is what it is, so it's not an option unless one of us switches departments or companies.  Suffice it to say I'm just not going to think about best I can with the constant reminders, lol.

Back to the dream.  We finished working on this project and I'm wandering around the building.  He and I are talking and laughing, as is typical for us in real life.  I recall being interested, but knowing I shouldn't be.  Then he asks me to hang out, since the project is over.  Apparently he could rent one of these rooms we had renovated for us to have dinner or something??  I have no idea what we were really making plans to do in my dream, never got to that part, but he asked me to spend time with him and I accepted.

The next thing I remember I'm outside.  He's running down the street without shoes on, but he's going to get his shoes (so weird, right?!?!).  I have no idea why he didn't have shoes on, or why he was running down the street, I just remember seeing him running off in the distance, without shoes and it not being a surprise.

Next thing I know I'm passed out on the ground.  I wake up and there's this really hot, italian guy all up in my grill.  I remember thinking "dude, you are TOO CLOSE to my face".  Then I notice he's got my dogs who apparently got loose (again, this is something that happens in real life, though at least in the dream they had leashes and we're already caught).  I'm kind of disoriented and confused from passing out, I take my dogs leashes and instead of feeling grateful I'm still feeling like this hot, italian guy seriously needs to not be so close to me.  In what universe would I be uncomfortable by this guy being too close?!?!  My dogs are being their usual excited rowdy selves and I'm just trying to clear the fog in my brain.

Next thing I know, my coworker arrives (with shoes) and he offers to take one of my dogs leashes.  I'm happy and relieved to be talking to him and to have no more reason for this other guy to stick around and grateful he was so kind to offer to help me with my hyper dogs.  And then my alarm went off.

Super odd.  I have no idea where this came from or what all of this means.  I don't often have dreams that I remember this well, and certainly not ones about people I know, so I had to record it.  It was just too funny and odd not to share.  Anyway, happy Thursday!!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Will you be my BFF?

Let me talk for a minute about something non-fitness related.  I’ve really been working on other factors of my life and I realized I’m doing a disservice to myself by not using this blog to talk about other areas that are important to me.  It’s like therapy, right?  Alright, here we go, I’m going to dive in…to my love life (or lack thereof, lol). 

I’ve done my fair share of dating over the past few years.  I’ve had more online dates than I care to admit and more first dates than I care to remember.  Recently I had yet another online date.  I showed up on time, only to find out he was running late.  I could get into the details, but why he was late is really not important.  Though, I have to say, in total he was an hour and a half late.  Who does that?!?!

The good news is that while I was waiting for him (not expecting it to actually be THAT long) I met some other people and ended up chatting at the bar.  I met someone and we really hit it off.  I was under the impression he was unavailable, so I was purely speaking to him from a friendly perspective.  It was just one of those conversations where it was easy and fun and you kept finding more and more interests you had in common.  I really enjoyed his company, but like I said, I thought he was unavailable so I just assumed it would be a fun night meeting a random person and it would end there.

My date finally arrived and my new friend gave up his seat.  The date was uninteresting, to put it mildly (not to mention the fact that he barely acknowledged how late he was).  I was literally counting down the minutes until he would hopefully leave.  I got up to go to the bathroom and on my way was stopped by the man I had been speaking to earlier.  We had some similar career interests, so he gave me his business card saying we should talk.  It definitely took me by surprise, realizing that he was interested in speaking to me more…what that meant at the time was unclear.  Did he really just want to discuss our similar career goals?  Was he interested in me?  He’s unavailable, so he can’t be interested…right?

I got back to my date and made the decision that I would stay after he left (he had a bit of a drive, whereas I lived nearby).  I knew he’d probably be surprised, but he was an hour and a half late, and I knew I wasn’t interested in seeing him again, so I didn’t care what he thought.  He seemed slightly taken aback when I said I was going to stay and chat with my new friends, but he hugged me and was on his way. 

While I was on my date, my new friend’s cousin had arrived.  I immediately liked her and ordered a glass of wine to enjoy while I actually had some good conversation!  We were all enjoying ourselves, laughing, getting along like we’d know each other for years.  It was one of those rare occasions where you just feel like instant friends.  The cousin left and we stuck around a teeny bit longer.  The conversation continued to be intriguing and I truly had a wonderful time.
Given how my date turned out you’d think I’d be heading home disappointed.  Instead, I found myself smiling and happy for the connection I had made that night.  I had no expectations, so at that point I was just happy to have met some great people and had a wonderful night.  I get home and, what do you know, I had a friend request and a message waiting for me.  I was surprised, but excited.  Even if it was just going to be a friendly relationship I was excited, because this was someone I wanted to be friends with.

The next day we ended up setting up a time to meet at Barnes & Noble to have a discussion about work related stuff.  I had no idea what to expect, but like I said, even if it was just a friendship I was starting I was happy with that.  We met up at Barnes & Noble; here was the real test.  Could we have the same level of interest and conversation while completely sober?  Would I be shy and awkward (cause let me tell you, I can be both)?  Would we really just talk about our career goals?  Not surprisingly, we had just as easy and fun of a time together as we did the first time.  We did talk about some career stuff, but then we also just started asking each other a bunch of questions and tried to really get to know one another. 

Walking around Barnes & Noble turned into heading out for dinner.  We were both clearly intrigued by one another, but the dinner was platonic.  Because I didn’t think he was available I found myself more at ease.  I was able to just be myself, because there were no expectations.  He wasn’t going to kiss me.  It wasn’t a date.  We were just two people spending time together, laughing and getting to know one another.

We left, had a somewhat awkward, short hug and went our separate ways.  Again, I had no expectations.  Would I see him again?  Maybe, maybe not.  I tried not to let myself hope for something more, because he wasn’t available.  I left there with a smile on my face.  Another rare night.  I was able to fully be myself; my goofy, oversharing, bellowing laugh self.
I got home that night and got a text.  He wasn’t wasting any time.  He asked if his new BFF wanted to go out with him and his coworkers Friday night for drinks, dinner and a play his boss was directing.  I didn’t hesitate.  A night out with “my new BFF” sounded great. 

Friday I had a GREAT day at work.  I just found myself energized and excited.  I couldn’t wait to enjoy my night out and share my great mood with him.  He picked me up and immediately it was clear, this night wasn’t going to be like the others.  This wasn’t just two friends hanging out.  This might actually be a date.  How did I not know I was going to be on a date?!?! 

The coworkers asked how we knew each other and his response was I was his BFF.  First of all, what grown man says that?  Lol, it was silly, but it made me feel good.  We had so much in common, such similar senses of humor and had that immediate familiarity with one another that that’s what it really did feel like.  Of course, this urged questions such as “how did you meet” and “how long have you known one another”.  Eventually, we had to admit that we actually had only recently met.  The funny thing I found is that as his coworkers asked him about some things involving his family and personal stories about himself and I had already heard all of these stories.  How did I manage to learn so much in such a short time that they didn’t already know?

From there we went to the play.  I still was unclear what his coworkers thought.  Did they think this was a date?  Did they still think he was unavailable and wonder what the heck was going on?  Lol, it was interesting to put it mildly.  The play was beautiful; the music was wonderful.  We ended up getting a little close in the dark leaving me wondering what the heck was going on!!!  I don’t know how to explain it.  It just kind of evolved into a date with me being totally unclear it was going to be that at the beginning of the night.

Finally, at the end of the night he drove me home.  In the car, I couldn’t stand it any longer and had to ask WHAT IS GOING ON?  Aren’t you taken?  Isn’t this too complicated?  How can this really go anywhere?  He was completely open.  He shared that his relationship was over, they were no longer living together and they’d be speaking the next day to officially end it.  He said he felt like we were such a strong match.  We both want kids, we have similar life goals, similar personalities and the chemistry…it was tangible.  I tried to play devil’s advocate, but he said just wait until tomorrow.  It’ll be over and I can rest easy. 

The entire next day I wondered how it went.  Did he change his mind?  Did they both want to split up and it would be easy?  I thought of a worst case scenario, but told myself to stop being stupid.  Nothing crazy is going to happen.  If he decides he really does want to be with her I’ll just have to accept it and move on.

We meet up the following day and his expression is solemn.  I know its bad news, but I have no idea what to expect.  He asks if he should just blurt it out and I said, whatever it is, just tell me.  She’s pregnant.  There it is, the worst case scenario I had imagined.  They hadn’t been intimate in a couple months, but she’s pregnant and it’s his.  I was in shock.  How does this happen?  How do I meet a guy I immediately feel a connection with and he for me and it’s over before it can even begin?  This is the one situation that is completely out of anyone’s control. 

I try to tell myself that if he really feels strongly enough we can try and figure it out.  But as I’m sitting there I know there’s just no way.  How do you start a relationship with a pregnant ex in the picture?  It just won’t work.  He says he’s torn.  As we had talked about, he really wanted a child and was excited to be having one.  He had gone into seeing her ready for any reason she through out to want to try and make it work.  He was convinced it was over.  He had talked to his coworker, his brother and his mother about his feelings for me.  This just drove home how right it felt for both of us.  But this was a game changer.  He couldn’t fathom the idea of not at least trying to make it work with the future mother of his child. 

I still can’t believe how much it rocked me to lose this person that I had just barely met.  It’s been 3 days since I found out and it still hurts.  Life will move on and I know this is the right thing, but it doesn’t make it any less hard.  How do you not think “what if”?  What if we had met years ago?  What if he had gone to see her and there had been no complications and we had actually had the opportunity to date?  How happy could we have been?  How great would it have been to be with someone who can make me laugh like that, share my life goals with and have crazy chemistry all at the same time?

This all probably sounds incredibly dramatic given I knew him a week.  Yep, one week.  I am not that girl that goes on a date and thinks “this could be it” after every one, but this time…that’s how it felt.  It still feels surreal to have felt so much, so soon and have him feel the same way and then just have the rug pulled out from under me.

As much as this turn of events was shocking, and like a bad tv movie, it’s what happened and I need to let it go.  So that’s why I had to write this.  I need to let it go.  I need to focus on myself.  No more online dates, please god no more online dates, lol.  The profile has come down and I just need to be Tania.  Maybe I’ll have a date if something comes my way, but I won’t seek it out. 

I have two big goals right now.  Number one is to stay focused on my health.  I have made HUGE strides over the past couple months and feel AMAZING!!!  Number two is to focus on my big career goal.  I want to work for myself, full time, as a beachbody coach.  I want to spend my life serving others and helping them live their best life as I continue to work toward living mine.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to make this happen and live my life exactly as I want it to be.

Friday, January 2, 2015

It's a New Year!!!

Happy 2015!!!  I'm so excited and ready for this new year.  I'm not making resolutions, I'm not going to say how this is the year I will finally accomplish xyz.  I'm just going to continue to work my ass off and work toward the goals I've had set for myself for a number of months now.

2014 ended on a high note!  I lost 5.6 pounds and 7 inches in the month of December.  Nothing earth shattering, but losing weight at all in a month filled with parties and treats is definitely a win!  I have 2 more weeks left in the first month of my DietBet.  I have 1.5 pounds left to go to reach my goal and I have a feeling I'm going to crush it!  Wait and see!

Today I started a new workout.  It's a mixed martial arts program called Combat and I LOVED it!!!!  I was sweating up a storm and grinning like a fool.  :-)  I'm seriously in love with this already.  I cannot wait to workout tomorrow.  Who'd have thought I'd be this excited to workout!  It's a 60 day program and I intend to do my best to stick to it to a T.  If I'm able to go without missing a day, then I will finish up on March 2nd!

I also started officially following IIFYM (if it fits your macros) yesterday, January 1st.  I've been following it loosely for a while now, but wasn't doing a great job of sticking to it.  That's not going to be the case anymore!  I am intent on accomplishing my fitness goals this year!  I paid to get my macros calculated by a professional and my goal macros are: 1810 calories, 63g Fat, 168g Carbs and 144g Protein.  I will shoot for these same numbers every single day.  I feel the calorie and carb levels are high enough for me to enjoy some "fun" foods, in addition to the clean food I'll eat the majority of the time.  That's what I need, something I can stick to long term.  Plus, I've seen some INCREDIBLE results from people in the Facebook group I'm in, so it's not just stock photos but their actual personal results.  So I'm excited to see where this takes me!

 Last, but not least, I just wanted to share my FitBit end of day numbers.  Green across the board!!!  I'm going to do my best to hit these numbers each day as well.  I have a HIGH tendency to be sedentary outside of workouts and I need to improve that.

That's all for now!!  I'm enjoying having time off and look forward to another great workout tomorrow and yummy, healthy food!

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Happy Holidays!

It's been a few weeks since my last post. This month has flown by!!! The holidays will do that to you, I suppose. Things have been going really well! I managed to lose nearly 5 pounds, leading up to Christmas, which is a HUGE win in December! I did splurge over the holiday, so it is time to buckle down. I'll be weighing myself tomorrow, just to see where I'm at after the last few days. I'll record my weight on the 31st to get my final weigh in for 2014!!!

I decided to join a 6 month DietBet. I needed a little extra push to keep me focused! My starting weight was 177.2. My goal for the entire game will be to get down to 159.5 by June 16th. My first month's goal will be 171.9 by January 16th. In case you can't tell, I'm a wee bit into numbers. Sorry I'm not sorry. ��

One thing I'm struggling with right now is low back pain. MAJOR low back pain. It sucks. I've been stretching like nobody's business and broke out the foam roller today. Fingers crossed it makes a difference! Gotta take care of my back!

Time for sleep! Tomorrow brings yoga and more foam rolling!

Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 1 Done!!

Day 1 back on track is done!  I tracked all of my food and came in exactly where I planned.  My workout was finished before I even went to work this morning, which is an awesome feeling!  I will be getting up early and working out before work again tomorrow.  Let's do this!

I went to the grocery store after work and got some goodies.  Nothing too exciting.  I got a rotisserie chicken (I know, it's high in sodium but I still need to meal plan and needed an easy way to get in my protein until I have the opportunity to food prep).  I also got broccoli, mushrooms and onion to make a recipe from my own recipe page!  How funny it is revisiting old recipes that I wrote about years ago.

It's time for me to wind down, so I can stay on track and get up bright and early for my workout tomorrow morning.  I'm feeling positive, happy and energized.  Gotta keep the momentum going.

I'm back!!!

It has been 2 and a half years since I’ve blogged, wow how time flies!  It’s crazy to think how much my life has changed and where I’m at now compared to where I was when I started this journey 5 years ago (almost to the day!).  I’m living in another state, my home state of WI.  This is nothing new for me, I’ve been here for 4 years now, but when I started the blog I lived in a house in Indianapolis, that I owned, with a boyfriend I had been with for just over 4 years. 

Now I am single, have been for the past 4 ½ years (excluding a few short term things here and there).  I live with 2 roommates that I work with.  It’s a double edged sword.  I get help with my dogs, which is huge, since I didn’t intend to have 2 dogs and be solely responsible for making sure they get let out often enough, get exercise, etc.  So that’s a fairly large amount of work that is lessened by having roommates who also have dogs.  Plus, it is significantly cheaper than it was living alone (I’m talking $500 cheaper per month - that's $6,000 a year!!).  The flip side is that I’m a 32 year old woman and I like my independence.  I like my alone time.  You don’t get a whole lot of that with roommates.  I also wonder what men think when they find out I have roommates.  Does it make me seem like perhaps I don't have my life together and make me less appealing?  Who knows.  But for now the help with dogs and the money savings make it worth it.

So what brings me back to blogging you ask?  Coming here every day and writing about my successes and failures was a huge part of the reason why I did succeed.  I firmly believe that by setting and writing down goals for myself I was infinitely more successful than if I hadn’t done that.  I am still in the process of working on my health and my journey is ongoing, as it always will be.  I don’t think this will ever be something that comes easy to me, but health is an important part of my life.

Let’s get to my current state of affairs.  I’m weighing in at 179.0 lbs as of this morning…eesh.  A lot of that is from eating WAAAAAAYYY too much over Thanksgiving weekend (yes I said weekend, because that’s what it ended up being for me, oy vey!).  I suspect that a few pounds will fall off fairly easily this week.  I’ve been hovering more in the 170-173 range, so hopefully I’ll see a quick drop this week.  I could use a win in this department!

Time for some goals!  I’m currently doing the 21 Day Fix and I intend to complete this program.  I’m on Day 4, so I’ll weigh myself on December 19th to see where I end up!  By the end of the program my goal is to be 169 or less.  Hopefully I’ll blow that out of the water, but I want to stay realistic and set some goals I can be successful at reaching!  My goal for the end of this month will be 167 lbs.  Let’s do this!

In order to reach my goal I will complete the 21 Day Fix.  After I finish it I will either repeat it or pick a different program to work on.  I will also track my food  This is the only way to ensure success.  It’s just too damn easy to eat too much when you don’t track it!  Tracking is key.  So that’s it; workout and track my food.  Should be easy right??  Right…lol!

I have some other goals I intend to share with you, but for now I’ll end this with a quote.  Failure is not a tattoo, it’s a bruise.  Just because you’ve failed in the past doesn’t mean you’re a failure and that you can never succeed!  Put in the work toward whatever goals you may have and prove to yourself that you’re not a failure.  Don’t let your past define your future.  Let’s do this!

Picture is from 11/6/14.  Loose fitting top to the rescue!  Let's drop some pounds, so I can be comfortable in my skin again!  

Friday, June 29, 2012

Month 3 Results

Month 3 is coming to a conclusion and I am happy to say I FINALLY broke into the 150's. I may just barely be there, but I'm there. I'll take what I can get. :-) Here are my results for Month 3.

Weight - 159.8 lbs = 1.2 lbs lost

Measurements (last done on 5/25/12):
Neck: 12.5 (no change)
Bicep: 11.5 (-0.5 inches)
Forearm: 9.25 (no change)
Chest: 38.25 (-0.25 inches)
Waist: 31.0 (-0.5 inches)
Hips: 39.0 (-1.0 inches)
Thigh: 21.75 (-0.25 inches)
Calf: 13.75 (-0.25 inches)
Total: 233.25 (3.75 inches lost)

April - 6.8 lbs lost/3.75 inches lost
May - 6.2 lbs lost/2.5 inches lost
June - 1.2 lbs lost/3.75 inches lost

As you can see, this month I lost far less poundage but I lost the same number of inches as I did in April when I lost nearly 6 times as much weight as I did this month. What that tells me is that this was a month where I built muscle and lost fat and that is never a bad thing. One more month till my 30th birthday!! Can't wait to see what I accomplish over the next month.