Thursday, February 10, 2011

No Longer a Doormat

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been kind of crazy lately. It started with my weigh in on Friday and I gained again...177.2 lbs this time. And that was after counting calories and cycling on my stationary bike. I was frustrated and didn't really know what to say about it. Also, work has been hectic. It's been good because my work days have been flying by, but I've definitely had a lot going on.

The big thing, though, just happened a couple days ago. I've been in a casual relationship for a number of months now. I haven't talked about it, because frankly it wasn't a "real" relationship so I didn't feel comfortable blogging about it. Since he has a lot going on right now in his life and was likely going to be moving to another state in a few months he claimed he wasn't able to be in a serious relationship. We kept spending time together, confiding in one another about the various things going on in our lives and my feelings of course were growing. Since he wasn't willing to fully commit I told him I was going to start seeing other people since I wanted to be in a serious relationship, hence the couple of random dates I've mentioned.

We continued to see one another and I continued to be completely open about my feelings and how hard the relationship was on me. He would reassure me that he really did care for me and recently said he had a possible job opportunity that would keep him in Milwaukee, so a relationship could very well be in the near future for us. Even though we didn't see each other as often as I would have liked or really talk on the phone much, I believed the things I was told. Then a couple of days ago I saw online that he was "in a relationship". I was shocked! I wasn't even aware he was dating other people. He had been telling me that with everything in his life right now and the fact that he might be moving soon that a relationship just wouldn't be fair to him or the other person. Now it's crystal clear that he just didn't want to be in a relationship with me, but kept me around for companionship.

I'm feeling a lot of things. I'm angry that he couldn't have just been honest with me about how he felt about me. I'm angry that he didn't have enough respect to tell me about this new person, but instead I had to find out online. I'm angry that when we did talk about it he basically brushed me off saying he didn't need to tell me about this since we weren't in a relationship and I had been dating other people too (to clarify I went on two first dates with guys I met online that didn't go anywhere and I was completely honest with him about both dates). I'm angry that I thought our relationship was much more than it was. I'm angry with myself for opening up to someone who didn't deserve it. I'm frustrated with myself for not listening to my gut that told me months ago that he didn't feel the same way I did. Deep down I knew he didn't mean the things he told me, but for some reason I held on because I wanted to believe it. I'm frustrated with myself for letting someone so blatantly take advantage of my giving and understanding nature.

Even with all of these angry/hurt/frustrated feelings I have, I'm glad this happened. I'm grateful that I'm no longer going to put my energy into a "relationship" with someone that doesn't deserve me. I'm grateful that now I can be more open to finding someone who's actually going to make me feel good and give as much to me as I give to them. I'm grateful that my eyes have been opened to the kind of people that are out there and that I've learned to pay more attention to a person's actions and less to what's coming out of their mouth. I'm grateful that now I see how I let him take advantage of me and I won't do it again.

I could let this experience derail me or make me feel depressed, but that's no longer how I deal with my feelings. Instead of dwelling on being sad and irritated with myself I'm going to use those feelings to fuel my desire to really accomplish the things I want to do to make myself happy. I'm going to focus my energy on really pouring myself into healthy living. I do a lot of things right, but I definitely make some decisions that I shouldn't. I give myself too many cheat meals and they're obviously adding up since I'm not losing weight. I need to put more time into planning my meals ahead of time, so that I'm not as tempted to get takeout. Plus then I can try new recipes and find things to make at home that will satisfy me as much or probably even more than some of the takeout I eat.

I could put more time into working out, since I spend far too much time watching tv. I mean, I have a stationary bike for goodness sake. There's no reason I can't be putting more time in on it while I'm watching tv. And, of course, I need to continue working out with my trainer.

I also need to get out of the house more. I work from home, so that makes it harder to meet new people and I need to get out there more. Even if it's just heading over to a coffee shop to read a book and relax. I want to find at least one dance class to take since I LOVE dancing and I feel great when I'm dancing. Any time I take a dance class I always feel this surge of happiness from deep in my soul after I leave the class. It's a feeling that you can't really beat and I should spend more time doing things that make me feel that happy.

Painting is another thing I need to do more often. I have recently started another painting, so I'm already making strides on this. Also, I have some friends/family that have asked for a painting and that I want to do a painting for. I've already spent time coming up with ideas for each person so I have an idea of what I want to paint. Last but not least a friend and I have discussed a possible business idea. We're only in the research/planning phase, but it's an idea that we think has real potential. I've always wanted to start my own business, but never had an idea that I thought would really work. About six months ago I came up with this idea and told her about it. We're both fairly business minded women and she was genuinely impressed with the idea. Anyway, we both need to put a little work in to get things up and running. It won't take much money to start up, so that's obviously huge. If it works out it'll take some time before I'd ever make enough to quit my job or anything like that, but I'm excited to see where it goes.

All of these things are much healthier ways to be spending my time than what I've been doing in the last few months. They're things that are going to enrich my life and just make me a happier person and give me a brighter future. I really need to take this year to improve myself as a person and start accomplishing some of the things I need to accomplish for myself. I have definitely made significant progress in being a happier, healthier person since this time last year and I plan to make even more progress this year.

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow morning as usual and work on setting some goals for myself for the coming week.

1 comment:

  1. aw good for you for focusing on the positive.